Great moments in Nerd History

In 1925, the Continental Baking Company purchased Taggart Bakery. This move would eventually lead to the creation of Hostess Fruit Pies, the single greatest gas station snack food ever created, and was so versitile it can be used from everything from a quick snack to the pacification of super villains.

God bless you, Hostess, you magnificint bastards.

Great moments in "WTF?!"

The Adventures of T-Rex

You know, I'm not even sure describing this would do it justice. Hell, how did the brainstorming session for this even go?

"Oh hey, I know! Let's take Swatkats, only instead of Cat's they'll be Dinosaurs! And we'll set it in the prohibition era! And we'll make 'em look like Ray Charles in their secret identity's! Ooooh! Ooooh! And we'll give one of the badguys a comically oversized Cranium, like someone just entered in Big Head mode!"

Fuck, what kind of drugs even spark this kind of creative hallucination?

And knowing is half the battle

Can you guess this cartoon?



If you answered "Toxic Crusaders", then you win a no-cookie!

If you answered anything else, then go read up on Troma Entertainment, because quite frankly your lack of knowledge on quality knock offs of cheesy B-Movies makes me sick.

And now you know.

Whaddya thinks in the burgers?

An open letter to game executives

Dear (Insert game executives name here),

Goddamnit, will you stop assuming that everyone who pre-orders or buys a collectors edition of a single player game has an internet connection? "Oh hey, so, y'know how you just spent $70 buying that brand new collectors edition of Arkham Asylum? And how we're giving you these spiffy extra challenge maps? Yeah, well, you better have XBox Live, sucker!". Do me a favor: Take the the next Marketing Rep who thinks it's a good idea to include a download code as part of a Collectors Edition and have his ass fired. There's no real excuse for not already including it in the package, especially for the price I'm already paying.

In conclusion: FUCK YOU.

Sincerely,
Liquid Horatio X

P.S: An extra special FUCK YOU to the asshole at EA who thought up the clusterfuck of forcing people to be connected online all the time just to play C&C4. Theres a special place in hell just for you, buddy. And not the good hell, either, but the bad one where you have to play Aquaman.

Does whatever a spider can!

Man, I love Spectacular Spider-man. It does for Spider-Man what Bruce Timm did for Batman, by sticking to the core concepts of the character while subtly updating the character for a new generation of kids. Not only that, but hot damn are the fight scenes bitching at times, really playing off Spider-Mans acrobatic nature, such as when he takes on the Green Goblin for the first time or when he fights the Sinister Six while under the influence of the Symbiote.

Sure, the eyes are a little creepy at first, but you start ignoring it after awhile. Now I just need to find out when we are finally getting Season 3...

Because everybody loves Puppies

I present to you the PG Puppy Cam, a live cam about a puppy that will one day become a seeing eye dog.

Now, everybody say it together:

D'awwwwwwww!

(Thanks to Jules for the heads up)

And knowing is half the battle

Can you... GUESS THAT GAME?












Give up?


It's Darklands, bitches! And now you know.

8 Properties that deserve a gritty reboot

So, we've all had it happen to us. We're sitting on the couch, vegging out with a Wild Cherry Pepsi in one hand, a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos in the other, and an episode of (INSERT POPULAR TV SHOW HERE) on the Tube. Your sitting there, feeling as safe and secure, and then BAM! Hollywood blinds you with another gritty remake of My Little Ponies (Now with Prom Night Dumpster Baby pony). And as you lay curled up in the shower while the Crying Game plays in the background, a little bit of your soul slowly dying inside, you curse Hollywood and it's current obsession with taking shows like Sesame Street and turning Big Bird into a crack addicted pimp.

And while it's understandable, I came to a realization... it's not that theres a problem with Hollywood wanting to grittify your beloved childhood series, it's that they are doing the *WRONG* properties. To this end, I present this list of properties that actually deserve a gritty reboot:

1: C.O.P.S.

No, I'm not talking the reality show where white trash race to see how fast they can get an ass beating from the Police and tossed into the slammer. I'm talking about the Central Orginization of Police Specialists. Now, why Hollywood is doing a sequel of Alvin and the Chipmunks, but has yet to pick up the license for C.O.P.S. is beyond me. I mean, how can you *NOT* love a show with bad guys with names such as Turbo Tu-Tone, Ms. Demeanor, or Buttons McBoomBoom (A prohibition style gangster with a motherfucking MACHINE GUN in his *CHEST*)? Hell, cast Samuel L. Jackson in the lead role of C.O.P.S. leader B. P. "Bulletproof" Vest (HURHUR I SEE WHUT U DID THERE), and the awesomeness practically writes itself.

2: Spiral Zone

Seriously Hollywood, what the hell is wrong with you people? You can make a fourth Shrek movie, and yet you can't give us a Spiral Zone remake? Hell, this one was already dark and gritty, thanks to it's plot of a crazy scientist who creates devices causing humanity to become mindless zombies. I mean, hell... look at this intro and tell me this wouldn't be completly badass as a live action R rated movie. Hell, cast Samuel L. Jackson as Commander Dirk Courage (Come on, tell me thats not a badass name right there) and let Michael Bay direct it (While firmly reminding him that it's not an Adam Sandler movie), and your practically producing a license to print money.

3: Rocket Robin Hood

Okay, in retrospect, maybe I should have titled this post "The 8 properties that have been criminally ignored by Hollywood", but fuck that. I'm too lazy to go change it now. Anyways, Rocket Robin Hood was Robin Hood, but in space. Now, stop and think about this for a moment. As we all know, Robin Hood was essentially a thief who stole from the rich, and made out with a hot midieval version of Kate Moss who liked to cosplay in furry outfits. Now, imagine this in space. Now that your mind has been sufficiently blown, imagine it directed by Joss Wheedon with Samuel L. Jackson as Little John. Now pardon me while I go get you some tissues to clean up the mess you just made.

4: The Pirates of Dark Water

...Okay, do I really need to explain this one? Seriously, if your not already familiar with the Pirates of Dark Water, then turn in your nerd card and get the fuck off my Blog, because there is simply something wrong with you. The only change I would make: Replace Niddler with Samuel L. Jackson. WIN.

5: Martha Washington Saves the Earth

This is in no way influenced by the fact that I actually knew a black woman named Martha Washington. But yeah, Frank Millers Martha Washington needs the Sin City movie treatment. I mean, the woman fought Crazed Cattle Ranchers, and stoped an alien invasion. Cast Samuel L. Jackson in the pivotal role of Martha Washington, and watch the awesome happen.

6: Freddy vs Jason

Okay, I know what your thinking. "But X, you studly man muffin of perfection, how can a movie about two nightmarish killers of slutty teenagers be any grittier?". Quite simple: Make it "Freddy and Jason vs Chuck Norris". Watch as Freddy and Jason run like horny co-eds from... well, THEM, as they face off against the unstoppable round house kicks of Chuck Norris! Also, the role of Chuck Norris would be played by Samuel L. Jackson. I mean, hell... it's not like it could be any worse then "Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan".

7: The Smurfs

HAH! Nah, I'm just shitting with you guys.

...Although, maybe if you made it CGI and cast Samuel L. Jackson as Papa Smurf...

8: The Adventures of the American Rabbit


Two words: DEATH RABBITS.



Also, we could probably fit Samuel L. Jackson in there somewhere.

An open letter to Sega

Dear Sega Executives,

As a fan of your older properties, such as Shining Force, the original Sonic games (Before Sonic Team drank the special Kool-Aid to travel into space with the grand Poobah, and you quickly replaced them with brain damaged monkeys), Golden Axe, and did I mention Shining Force? Because thats kind of important there. Anyways, I have been awaiting Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing with interest, because it promised to bring in classic Sega characters like Alex Kidd, Opa-Opa from Fantasy Zone, and Ryo from Shenmue. Today, while reading up on the game, I learned that at some point you planned on adding Segata Sanshiro riding a Sega Saturn, but decided not to put him in.

What the holy fuck is wrong with you people? Why in the nine hells would you guys choose Billy fucking Hatcher, or Shadow the racist gun toting black Hedgehog, over Segata Sanshiro? Do you people hate money or something? Apparently you must, because on top of this you keep pulling retarded moves like turning Shining Force into a lame ass action game, or thinking that turning Sonic the Hedgehog into a fucking werebeast was somehow a good idea. Are you guys secretly working for the two headed clone of Hitler and Walt Disney? Is that what it is? IT'S SEGATA SANSHIRO, PEOPLE. The most badass mascot this side of Pepsiman! I mean, the dude takes a goddamn missile for you people, and you repay him by passing him over for the fucking monkey from Monkey Ball? In conclusion, Sega:

FUCK YOU.

Sincerely,
Liquid Horatio X

"Dude, what would happen"

...if the Dudes shut the fuck up? Quite frankly, I would think we would all be better off.

Now, some of you may be scratching your heads at this. You may be thinking "But Liquid-X, the Big Labowski was awesome! How could anything The Dude have to say be bad? Also, can I give you some super hot sex?". And I could forgive you for thinking this, because the Dude was in fact awesome. But I'm not talking about "The Dude", I'm talking about the "Dudes" (Notice the s at the end. This makes it plural, and thus much more X-TREME!), the hosts of Cartoon Networks new live action X-TREME! show "Dude, what would happen?".

Now, some of you are already about to take a gun to your head, because you've been forced to watch this shitpile of a show. Others are scratching your head, wondering what this new and exciting program is being shown on Cartoon Network. Now, for those of you who DON'T know what this show is, pat yourself on the back, and continue living a normal, happy life full of puppies, kittens, sunshine, and giant robots and stop reading now. For those of you that *do* know, or are quite frankly masochists who ignored my previous warning, keep reading.

Now, for the masochistic sort remaining: "Dude, what would happen?" involves three stoner hippie teenagers (Who are trying to be all "Hip", and "X-TREME!", and "Super Poppin Fresh". Y'know, the kind that makes TV Executives panties get all wet because this is how they think all of todays children are, when instead they are painfully outdated) who try to pull off Mythbusters Jr, only in an idiotic X-TREME! way, and with far more boring explosions. The exact formula of the show works like this:

1: "Dudes" come up with stupid idea, such as pitting Lumberjacks versus Karate Experts to see who can cut shit up faster.
2: "Dudes" throw out any attempts at credible results by pretending to be Karate Experts, while going up against one guy who may be lumberjack, or may be a mass serial killer wielding an axe that they found at the local 7-11.
3: ???
4: PROFIT! "Dudes" fistbump to show how X-TREME! they are while going on about how Karate Experts would TOTALLY beat out a lumberjack (Despite the fact that it was *THREE AGAINST ONE*), while TV executives feel all warm and fuzzy about how they are all jiggy with the kids.

Suffice to say, the whole thing is a pathetic joke. You know why we love Mythbusters? Because when it comes right down to it, theres some actual scientific method involved here (Granted, the tendancy to blow shit the fuck up like Michael Bay in a fireworks, TNT, and Nitro factory doesen't hurt). You don't get that with the "Dudes". And sadly, we're getting a second season, because someone is apparently watching it enough to make it profitable. (This is called the "Barbies making money while insulting preteen girls intelligence adventure (Now with more ponies!)" effect.)

So, in essence, TV execs make money, and we continue our slow slide into a cultural pit of crap. And the Dudes still need to shut the fuck up. To the X-TREME!

Why the green movement sucks. Or: Fuck you, Hippies!

So, as a civic minded individual, I feel that it is my duty to bring to light all the social ill's of todays society. Today, I shall tackle one of the worst: Hippies, and their so called "green movements". Now, I know what your thinking. "But X, we have to protect our enviroment! What would all our baby lemurs do without pristine forests, cool clean rivers, and the occasional starbucks staffed with hot lemur bitches?"

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not one to advocate going out into the forests, flipping Smokey the finger, then setting forest fires while drinking a six pack and listening to the musical stylings of ICP. I mean, some of my best friends are Lemurs, and they have to be able to get some lemur booty now and then. But there comes a point when enviromentalism gets complety out of hand. To this effect, I give you exhibit "A".

Now, go ahead and watch that clip. Don't worry, it's okay, I can wait. No, no, it's allright, I wont be mad. Just make sure you watch it, rather then going off and reading Cracked.com. Go on, watch!

Okay, now that you've watched that highly informative video, I'm sure you can see my point. That's right, folks. The Megazord, the most dangerous and ass kicking giant robot of it's time, was defeated... BECAUSE IT RAN OUT OF SOLAR POWER. Now, I don't know about you folks, but at what point would any sane person put Solar Cells on a giant, alien ass beating robot of humanity saving goodness? But noooooo, rather then hooking that bad boy up with some Plutonium, Chemical X, Energon, or some other futuristic energy shit, Zordon lets some damn enviromentalists bully him into putting some Solar Cells on the Megazord, and the first time there is a Solar Eclipse, it gets beat down like a red headed stepchild meeting Bing Crosby.

So fuck you, hippies. It's reasons like this which is why we are going to get our asses kicked by the Decepticons in World War III.

The beginning of the end

So, in my increasing battles with insanity, I have decided to create a Blog. Now, you may be asking yourself "Liquid-X, in your infinite and completly sexy wisdom, why have you decided to create a blog? Also, can I have your babies?". Well, the answer to this is quite simple:

I have decided that I have important things to say, and that you should listen to it (Whether you like it or not). To this end, I have created this blog of awesome and sexiness, that shall report all the awesome, awesome news staight from the X. Now, I should warn the faint of heart that this blog will contain all the sexiness, random expletives, explosions, and partial nudity that one should expect from one so awesome as myself. So, with that said, on with the show bitches!