And while it's understandable, I came to a realization... it's not that theres a problem with Hollywood wanting to grittify your beloved childhood series, it's that they are doing the *WRONG* properties. To this end, I present this list of properties that actually deserve a gritty reboot:
1: C.O.P.S.
No, I'm not talking the reality show where white trash race to see how fast they can get an ass beating from the Police and tossed into the slammer. I'm talking about the Central Orginization of Police Specialists. Now, why Hollywood is doing a sequel of Alvin and the Chipmunks, but has yet to pick up the license for C.O.P.S. is beyond me. I mean, how can you *NOT* love a show with bad guys with names such as Turbo Tu-Tone, Ms. Demeanor, or Buttons McBoomBoom (A prohibition style gangster with a motherfucking MACHINE GUN in his *CHEST*)? Hell, cast Samuel L. Jackson in the lead role of C.O.P.S. leader B. P. "Bulletproof" Vest (HURHUR I SEE WHUT U DID THERE), and the awesomeness practically writes itself.
2: Spiral Zone
Seriously Hollywood, what the hell is wrong with you people? You can make a fourth Shrek movie, and yet you can't give us a Spiral Zone remake? Hell, this one was already dark and gritty, thanks to it's plot of a crazy scientist who creates devices causing humanity to become mindless zombies. I mean, hell... look at this intro and tell me this wouldn't be completly badass as a live action R rated movie. Hell, cast Samuel L. Jackson as Commander Dirk Courage (Come on, tell me thats not a badass name right there) and let Michael Bay direct it (While firmly reminding him that it's not an Adam Sandler movie), and your practically producing a license to print money.
3: Rocket Robin Hood
Okay, in retrospect, maybe I should have titled this post "The 8 properties that have been criminally ignored by Hollywood", but fuck that. I'm too lazy to go change it now. Anyways, Rocket Robin Hood was Robin Hood, but in space. Now, stop and think about this for a moment. As we all know, Robin Hood was essentially a thief who stole from the rich, and made out with a hot midieval version of Kate Moss who liked to cosplay in furry outfits. Now, imagine this in space. Now that your mind has been sufficiently blown, imagine it directed by Joss Wheedon with Samuel L. Jackson as Little John. Now pardon me while I go get you some tissues to clean up the mess you just made.
4: The Pirates of Dark Water
...Okay, do I really need to explain this one? Seriously, if your not already familiar with the Pirates of Dark Water, then turn in your nerd card and get the fuck off my Blog, because there is simply something wrong with you. The only change I would make: Replace Niddler with Samuel L. Jackson. WIN.
5: Martha Washington Saves the Earth
This is in no way influenced by the fact that I actually knew a black woman named Martha Washington. But yeah, Frank Millers Martha Washington needs the Sin City movie treatment. I mean, the woman fought Crazed Cattle Ranchers, and stoped an alien invasion. Cast Samuel L. Jackson in the pivotal role of Martha Washington, and watch the awesome happen.
6: Freddy vs Jason
Okay, I know what your thinking. "But X, you studly man muffin of perfection, how can a movie about two nightmarish killers of slutty teenagers be any grittier?". Quite simple: Make it "Freddy and Jason vs Chuck Norris". Watch as Freddy and Jason run like horny co-eds from... well, THEM, as they face off against the unstoppable round house kicks of Chuck Norris! Also, the role of Chuck Norris would be played by Samuel L. Jackson. I mean, hell... it's not like it could be any worse then "Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan".
7: The Smurfs
HAH! Nah, I'm just shitting with you guys.
...Although, maybe if you made it CGI and cast Samuel L. Jackson as Papa Smurf...
8: The Adventures of the American Rabbit
Two words: DEATH RABBITS.
Also, we could probably fit Samuel L. Jackson in there somewhere.
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