So, L&LS society, I was thinking... If 5 cents can save a childs life, wouldn't it, y'know, be a better idea to keep the Nickles rather then sending them out in random letters?
Just, y'know, throwing that out there for you.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
An open letter to the American public
Goddammit you assholes. Shit like this is EXACTLY what's wrong with the country today. Why, in the name of Dante's nine hells, is Lady Gaga even ON this fucking list? More imporantly, why are you people even VOTING for her?! Jeebus H. Laserchrist, people, she's a fucking *POP STAR*. At least Gabe and Tycho of Penny Arcade started a yearly charity for sick kids.
So, in conclusion: FUCK YOU GUYS. I'm going home.
Sincerely,
Liquid Horatio X
So, in conclusion: FUCK YOU GUYS. I'm going home.
Sincerely,
Liquid Horatio X
Monday, March 15, 2010
Sonics Ultimate Genesis Collection
So, I recently picked this up for the seXBox 360. A few thoughts:
Pro's:
-Some of SEGA's greatest Genesis games, like Phantasy Star 2 and 4, Both Shining Forces (Before SEGA turned it into a goddamn action series. WHY DID YOU DO THIS, SEGA?! RAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!), All three Streets of Rage (Quite possibly the greatest beat 'em ups for the console), Dynamite Headdy, and Shinobi III.
-Some great arcade games as unlockables, such as the original Arcade Shinobi, Space Harrier, and Altered Beast (A long time favorite of mine)
-Practically no load times
-Only 20 bucks.
Con's
-No Revenge of Shinobi, and no Sonic and Knuckles 3 (Though it's sorts of understandable with Sonic and Knuckles 3, as the development team cited that it was either not include it due to development time, or not include several other games, including the unlockables)
-Altered Beast for the Genesis. Fuck, Sega... Why the hell do you keep insisting on putting this shitty game in every collection, especially when you always include the far superior Arcade version? This was taking up space that could have been used for Revenge of Shinobi.
-No arcade version of Golden Axe. Once again, the arcade version is superior. They should have just put this on there and forgot the original. Or better yet, just drop all the genesis versions of the Golden Axe games (Which wern't that good, really) and give us The Revenge of Death Adder, the best game in the series. Hell, I'd pay 20 bucks for that alone.
-Sonic 3D Blast? Really? Did we really need this? Geezus, why didn't you just include some razor blades while you were at it?
-Lack of art. We could have really used more then just a box screenshot and cartridge screenshot.
-GODDAMNIT. Whoever decided to have Phantasy Star unlocked by requiring a second player with Sonic 2, FUCK YOU, you ASSHOLE.
Conclusion:
If you haven't already rushed out to buy this once I mentioned Shining Force 1 and 2, then your dead to me. Plus, Phantasy Star 2, 4, and the Streets of Rage games. Why are you still reading this?! GO GET IT!
Pro's:
-Some of SEGA's greatest Genesis games, like Phantasy Star 2 and 4, Both Shining Forces (Before SEGA turned it into a goddamn action series. WHY DID YOU DO THIS, SEGA?! RAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!), All three Streets of Rage (Quite possibly the greatest beat 'em ups for the console), Dynamite Headdy, and Shinobi III.
-Some great arcade games as unlockables, such as the original Arcade Shinobi, Space Harrier, and Altered Beast (A long time favorite of mine)
-Practically no load times
-Only 20 bucks.
Con's
-No Revenge of Shinobi, and no Sonic and Knuckles 3 (Though it's sorts of understandable with Sonic and Knuckles 3, as the development team cited that it was either not include it due to development time, or not include several other games, including the unlockables)
-Altered Beast for the Genesis. Fuck, Sega... Why the hell do you keep insisting on putting this shitty game in every collection, especially when you always include the far superior Arcade version? This was taking up space that could have been used for Revenge of Shinobi.
-No arcade version of Golden Axe. Once again, the arcade version is superior. They should have just put this on there and forgot the original. Or better yet, just drop all the genesis versions of the Golden Axe games (Which wern't that good, really) and give us The Revenge of Death Adder, the best game in the series. Hell, I'd pay 20 bucks for that alone.
-Sonic 3D Blast? Really? Did we really need this? Geezus, why didn't you just include some razor blades while you were at it?
-Lack of art. We could have really used more then just a box screenshot and cartridge screenshot.
-GODDAMNIT. Whoever decided to have Phantasy Star unlocked by requiring a second player with Sonic 2, FUCK YOU, you ASSHOLE.
Conclusion:
If you haven't already rushed out to buy this once I mentioned Shining Force 1 and 2, then your dead to me. Plus, Phantasy Star 2, 4, and the Streets of Rage games. Why are you still reading this?! GO GET IT!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
In defense of the health bar
So, I'm a longtime gamer. I grew up in the days of the atari, received my first NES back when it was originally released (And you could get the woefully underused Rob the Robot), cut my gaming teeth on classic games such as Final Fantasy, Thexder, and Heroes Quest (Before it was renamed Quest for Glory with the release of Trial By Fire), and so on. I saw rise of SEGA, the fall of SEGA (Speaking of which, Fuck you guys for turning Shining Force into a goddamn action game. Bastards), Sony hitting it big with the Playstation, almost losing it with the PS3, and Nintendo consistantly managing to be completly brilliant one moment (Gameboy, DS), to "Holy shit, are guys drinking from the same Kool Aid as M. Night Shamwow and Jack Emmert?" (Virtua Boy, Power Glove).
Why am I mentioning all this? Because quite frankly, I know games. I may not be the best player. I may not be a fancy reviewer getting paid hundreds of dollars to write magazine articles, or (In the case of the occasional Gamespot reviewer) to play games for five minutes and then pass judgement), but I know games. Which is why it's hard for me to sit back and be quiet about idiotic trends in gaming when I see 'em. Lately, game developers have been taking a "Less is more approach" when it comes to their UI's. And I can understand the thought process behind it... Why have lots of unnecessary info clogging up the screen and preventing you from seeing all the action?
The problem, however, comes when the game developer takes it TOO far. A prime example of this is with Tim Schafers "Brutal Legend". Now, before we continue, not that I am not saying that "Brutal Legend" is a bad game. It's not. In fact, it's a very *GOOD* game. Hell, Schafer has yet to make a *BAD* game (And the general neglect of Psychonauts by the average gaming public should be criminal, and a violation of the geneva convention). The problem is that, thanks to the "Less is more" philosophy, there are some glaring issues that keep it from being the truly fantastic game it rightfully *DESERVES* to be.
Case in point: The lack of a health bar. Sure, you regenerate health. And sure, the game gives you visual indication through the use of a screen that goes redder and redder as you take more damage... but the problem is, it's hard to really tell how badle your hurt. With a health bar, it becomes easier to judge when you can keep fighting while low on health, and what target may or may not be a greater priority based on how close you are to death. You don't get that with "Brutal Legends" way of telling you how close you are to death. Not only that, but I have to wonder how the colorblind would be affected by it.
Second is the fact that theres no minimap. This is probably one of the worst faults of the game, and something that I can't believe Schafer let into the final version. For one, you spend a decent amount of time driving around in Eddies car, the Deuce. Since theres no minimap, you either have to rely on switching back and forth between the map screen and the gameplay screen to make sure your properly oriented, OR rely on the idiotic shaft of light/turn signal combo, which makes it easier to get lost. Even worse, it's makes some tasks (Like the godawful Rack of Death minigames) a task in frustration since it's difficult as hell to tell where the enemies are going to come from when theres no radar blips, and you can't swivel down far enough to shoot enemies when they are right at the base of the "tower". And, since your NPC allies can only be controlled during these sequences by a general area target command, it makes the whole sequence a pain in the ass since you have to hope they attack the enemies you want. It's not fun, it's frustrating as hell, and worse that it could have been solved simply by adding a damn minimap.
Now, there are times when the "Less is more" works: Case in point, if your trying to make a historical FPS as realistic as possible, it makes sense not to give ammo counters, life bars, minimaps, ect, since it's not like George Washington led the US troops against the british with a GPS and medical alert bracelets for when his troops have fallen and can't get up. But in a game like "Brutal Legend", it just leads to more frustration then is worth it, and that's tragic.
Why am I mentioning all this? Because quite frankly, I know games. I may not be the best player. I may not be a fancy reviewer getting paid hundreds of dollars to write magazine articles, or (In the case of the occasional Gamespot reviewer) to play games for five minutes and then pass judgement), but I know games. Which is why it's hard for me to sit back and be quiet about idiotic trends in gaming when I see 'em. Lately, game developers have been taking a "Less is more approach" when it comes to their UI's. And I can understand the thought process behind it... Why have lots of unnecessary info clogging up the screen and preventing you from seeing all the action?
The problem, however, comes when the game developer takes it TOO far. A prime example of this is with Tim Schafers "Brutal Legend". Now, before we continue, not that I am not saying that "Brutal Legend" is a bad game. It's not. In fact, it's a very *GOOD* game. Hell, Schafer has yet to make a *BAD* game (And the general neglect of Psychonauts by the average gaming public should be criminal, and a violation of the geneva convention). The problem is that, thanks to the "Less is more" philosophy, there are some glaring issues that keep it from being the truly fantastic game it rightfully *DESERVES* to be.
Case in point: The lack of a health bar. Sure, you regenerate health. And sure, the game gives you visual indication through the use of a screen that goes redder and redder as you take more damage... but the problem is, it's hard to really tell how badle your hurt. With a health bar, it becomes easier to judge when you can keep fighting while low on health, and what target may or may not be a greater priority based on how close you are to death. You don't get that with "Brutal Legends" way of telling you how close you are to death. Not only that, but I have to wonder how the colorblind would be affected by it.
Second is the fact that theres no minimap. This is probably one of the worst faults of the game, and something that I can't believe Schafer let into the final version. For one, you spend a decent amount of time driving around in Eddies car, the Deuce. Since theres no minimap, you either have to rely on switching back and forth between the map screen and the gameplay screen to make sure your properly oriented, OR rely on the idiotic shaft of light/turn signal combo, which makes it easier to get lost. Even worse, it's makes some tasks (Like the godawful Rack of Death minigames) a task in frustration since it's difficult as hell to tell where the enemies are going to come from when theres no radar blips, and you can't swivel down far enough to shoot enemies when they are right at the base of the "tower". And, since your NPC allies can only be controlled during these sequences by a general area target command, it makes the whole sequence a pain in the ass since you have to hope they attack the enemies you want. It's not fun, it's frustrating as hell, and worse that it could have been solved simply by adding a damn minimap.
Now, there are times when the "Less is more" works: Case in point, if your trying to make a historical FPS as realistic as possible, it makes sense not to give ammo counters, life bars, minimaps, ect, since it's not like George Washington led the US troops against the british with a GPS and medical alert bracelets for when his troops have fallen and can't get up. But in a game like "Brutal Legend", it just leads to more frustration then is worth it, and that's tragic.
Monday, March 8, 2010
An open letter to the people at the Oscars
What the hell, guys? "Up" didn't win best picture?
FUCK YOU. Fuck you all TO HELL!
Sincerely,
Liquid Horatio X
FUCK YOU. Fuck you all TO HELL!
Sincerely,
Liquid Horatio X
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Dear Noid: Fuck you.
So, living out in the middle of nowhere, it's been next to impossible to get food delivered to me, especially pizza. Recently, I learned of a new Pizza Place that opened nearby named Big Tony's (Protip: They get +10 awesome points for actually using the phrase "Big Tony's has an offer you can't refuse!" as an ad slogan), and actually delivers to my place of living. Not only that, but they are currently running a special for a large pizza with up to seven toppings, for only $11. Suffice to say, I have been taking full advantage of this, especially once I found out that they included Blue Cheese as a pizza topping. (I loves me my blue cheese, as much as I love bacon and pepperoni).
When all is said and done, I managed to grind up five points in my heart attack skill in only two days. Yay!
When all is said and done, I managed to grind up five points in my heart attack skill in only two days. Yay!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
An open letter to Bubblegum vending machine suppliers
Dear Bubblegum vending machine suppliers,
Lemon and Coconut are not valid flavors of gum, Assholes.
Sincerely,
Liquid Horatio X
Lemon and Coconut are not valid flavors of gum, Assholes.
Sincerely,
Liquid Horatio X
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
An open letter to Blizzard
Dear Blizzard executives, and Diablo 3 dev's,
Today, thanks to Kotaku, I saw your concept art for the Male Wizard:
I, for one, am outraged and appalled at your consistent attempts to sexualize men, and turn us into nothing more then shirtless beefcakes for females to oogle and undress with their filthy pervert eyes. Why, just the fact that as a man he is expected to be tan, toned, and buffed, oiled up and showing his pecs, is an indication of the immoral depths that society as a whole has come to thanks to filthy smut like Conan the Barbarian, Twilight, and Marvel/DC comics.
Why, just the other day I was walking by the park, and had to endure the humiliating wolf whistles and cat calls of no less then 15 women, who treated me as nothing more then a gigolo for daring to wear a leather harness and copius amounts of tanning oil. I did not ASK to be treated in such a manner, but must continue to suffer the perverted fantasies of women for what I choose to wear, thanks to the moral decline of our great nation.
To this end, I humbly submit this picture of what the male Wizard *SHOULD* look like, once unchained from the shackles of the perverted worldview of you women obssessed with physical perfection and sexual objectification:
Sincerely,
Liquid Horatio X
Today, thanks to Kotaku, I saw your concept art for the Male Wizard:
I, for one, am outraged and appalled at your consistent attempts to sexualize men, and turn us into nothing more then shirtless beefcakes for females to oogle and undress with their filthy pervert eyes. Why, just the fact that as a man he is expected to be tan, toned, and buffed, oiled up and showing his pecs, is an indication of the immoral depths that society as a whole has come to thanks to filthy smut like Conan the Barbarian, Twilight, and Marvel/DC comics.
Why, just the other day I was walking by the park, and had to endure the humiliating wolf whistles and cat calls of no less then 15 women, who treated me as nothing more then a gigolo for daring to wear a leather harness and copius amounts of tanning oil. I did not ASK to be treated in such a manner, but must continue to suffer the perverted fantasies of women for what I choose to wear, thanks to the moral decline of our great nation.
To this end, I humbly submit this picture of what the male Wizard *SHOULD* look like, once unchained from the shackles of the perverted worldview of you women obssessed with physical perfection and sexual objectification:
Sincerely,
Liquid Horatio X
Monday, March 1, 2010
Amazon, you dirty, dirty tease.
So, as anyone who visits the Culture section of the City of Heroes/Villains forums know, I am a *HUGE* fan of the manga Chi's Sweet Home, about a kitten that gets lost from it's mother and adopted by the Yamada family. It's sort of like Yotsuba&!, only with an adorable kitten getting into all sorts of adorable kitten mischief.
Anyways, thanks to Greenykins, I was informed that the Manga is finally getting a US translation (And not one of those fan translations, but an actual license deal). The catch: Both Amazon and Right Stuff Anime Superstore list the publisher as being Vetical, however, Other sources report a statement from the president of Vertical that they do no in fact have the license. Plus, I'm not seeing any listing of it on their websites.
So, the billion dollar question is, are they getting it or are they not? At this point, we may just have to wait until June to find out (I hope not. I'm already frothing at the mouth in anticipation for my Chi goodness). In the meantime, I want one of these so bad.
Side note: When the hell is someone going to wise up and get the license for Liar Game and Team Medical Dragon?
Anyways, thanks to Greenykins, I was informed that the Manga is finally getting a US translation (And not one of those fan translations, but an actual license deal). The catch: Both Amazon and Right Stuff Anime Superstore list the publisher as being Vetical, however, Other sources report a statement from the president of Vertical that they do no in fact have the license. Plus, I'm not seeing any listing of it on their websites.
So, the billion dollar question is, are they getting it or are they not? At this point, we may just have to wait until June to find out (I hope not. I'm already frothing at the mouth in anticipation for my Chi goodness). In the meantime, I want one of these so bad.
Side note: When the hell is someone going to wise up and get the license for Liar Game and Team Medical Dragon?
I guess I can say hello to Wonko the Sane now.
So, I just finished up Batman: Arkham Asylum. More importantly, I managed to complete every single Riddler's Challenge without using strategy guides or the Interanets and it's series of tubes, as well as the "greatest mystery". (I figured out the author of the tablets with about three or four left to collect).
On one hand, I really got a kick out of the results of the completion. On the other hand, I'm kind of disappointed that there wasn't something more tangible for a reward as well, like a new skin for challenge maps or something.
On one hand, I really got a kick out of the results of the completion. On the other hand, I'm kind of disappointed that there wasn't something more tangible for a reward as well, like a new skin for challenge maps or something.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Great moments in Nerd History
In 1925, the Continental Baking Company purchased Taggart Bakery. This move would eventually lead to the creation of Hostess Fruit Pies, the single greatest gas station snack food ever created, and was so versitile it can be used from everything from a quick snack to the pacification of super villains.
God bless you, Hostess, you magnificint bastards.
God bless you, Hostess, you magnificint bastards.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Great moments in "WTF?!"
The Adventures of T-Rex
You know, I'm not even sure describing this would do it justice. Hell, how did the brainstorming session for this even go?
"Oh hey, I know! Let's take Swatkats, only instead of Cat's they'll be Dinosaurs! And we'll set it in the prohibition era! And we'll make 'em look like Ray Charles in their secret identity's! Ooooh! Ooooh! And we'll give one of the badguys a comically oversized Cranium, like someone just entered in Big Head mode!"
Fuck, what kind of drugs even spark this kind of creative hallucination?
You know, I'm not even sure describing this would do it justice. Hell, how did the brainstorming session for this even go?
"Oh hey, I know! Let's take Swatkats, only instead of Cat's they'll be Dinosaurs! And we'll set it in the prohibition era! And we'll make 'em look like Ray Charles in their secret identity's! Ooooh! Ooooh! And we'll give one of the badguys a comically oversized Cranium, like someone just entered in Big Head mode!"
Fuck, what kind of drugs even spark this kind of creative hallucination?
And knowing is half the battle
Can you guess this cartoon?
If you answered "Toxic Crusaders", then you win a no-cookie!
If you answered anything else, then go read up on Troma Entertainment, because quite frankly your lack of knowledge on quality knock offs of cheesy B-Movies makes me sick.
And now you know.
If you answered "Toxic Crusaders", then you win a no-cookie!
If you answered anything else, then go read up on Troma Entertainment, because quite frankly your lack of knowledge on quality knock offs of cheesy B-Movies makes me sick.
And now you know.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
An open letter to game executives
Dear (Insert game executives name here),
Goddamnit, will you stop assuming that everyone who pre-orders or buys a collectors edition of a single player game has an internet connection? "Oh hey, so, y'know how you just spent $70 buying that brand new collectors edition of Arkham Asylum? And how we're giving you these spiffy extra challenge maps? Yeah, well, you better have XBox Live, sucker!". Do me a favor: Take the the next Marketing Rep who thinks it's a good idea to include a download code as part of a Collectors Edition and have his ass fired. There's no real excuse for not already including it in the package, especially for the price I'm already paying.
In conclusion: FUCK YOU.
Sincerely,
Liquid Horatio X
P.S: An extra special FUCK YOU to the asshole at EA who thought up the clusterfuck of forcing people to be connected online all the time just to play C&C4. Theres a special place in hell just for you, buddy. And not the good hell, either, but the bad one where you have to play Aquaman.
Goddamnit, will you stop assuming that everyone who pre-orders or buys a collectors edition of a single player game has an internet connection? "Oh hey, so, y'know how you just spent $70 buying that brand new collectors edition of Arkham Asylum? And how we're giving you these spiffy extra challenge maps? Yeah, well, you better have XBox Live, sucker!". Do me a favor: Take the the next Marketing Rep who thinks it's a good idea to include a download code as part of a Collectors Edition and have his ass fired. There's no real excuse for not already including it in the package, especially for the price I'm already paying.
In conclusion: FUCK YOU.
Sincerely,
Liquid Horatio X
P.S: An extra special FUCK YOU to the asshole at EA who thought up the clusterfuck of forcing people to be connected online all the time just to play C&C4. Theres a special place in hell just for you, buddy. And not the good hell, either, but the bad one where you have to play Aquaman.
Does whatever a spider can!
Man, I love Spectacular Spider-man. It does for Spider-Man what Bruce Timm did for Batman, by sticking to the core concepts of the character while subtly updating the character for a new generation of kids. Not only that, but hot damn are the fight scenes bitching at times, really playing off Spider-Mans acrobatic nature, such as when he takes on the Green Goblin for the first time or when he fights the Sinister Six while under the influence of the Symbiote.
Sure, the eyes are a little creepy at first, but you start ignoring it after awhile. Now I just need to find out when we are finally getting Season 3...
Sure, the eyes are a little creepy at first, but you start ignoring it after awhile. Now I just need to find out when we are finally getting Season 3...
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Because everybody loves Puppies
I present to you the PG Puppy Cam, a live cam about a puppy that will one day become a seeing eye dog.
Now, everybody say it together:
D'awwwwwwww!
(Thanks to Jules for the heads up)
Now, everybody say it together:
D'awwwwwwww!
(Thanks to Jules for the heads up)
And knowing is half the battle
Can you... GUESS THAT GAME?
Give up?
It's Darklands, bitches! And now you know.
Give up?
It's Darklands, bitches! And now you know.
8 Properties that deserve a gritty reboot
So, we've all had it happen to us. We're sitting on the couch, vegging out with a Wild Cherry Pepsi in one hand, a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos in the other, and an episode of (INSERT POPULAR TV SHOW HERE) on the Tube. Your sitting there, feeling as safe and secure, and then BAM! Hollywood blinds you with another gritty remake of My Little Ponies (Now with Prom Night Dumpster Baby pony). And as you lay curled up in the shower while the Crying Game plays in the background, a little bit of your soul slowly dying inside, you curse Hollywood and it's current obsession with taking shows like Sesame Street and turning Big Bird into a crack addicted pimp.
And while it's understandable, I came to a realization... it's not that theres a problem with Hollywood wanting to grittify your beloved childhood series, it's that they are doing the *WRONG* properties. To this end, I present this list of properties that actually deserve a gritty reboot:
1: C.O.P.S.
No, I'm not talking the reality show where white trash race to see how fast they can get an ass beating from the Police and tossed into the slammer. I'm talking about the Central Orginization of Police Specialists. Now, why Hollywood is doing a sequel of Alvin and the Chipmunks, but has yet to pick up the license for C.O.P.S. is beyond me. I mean, how can you *NOT* love a show with bad guys with names such as Turbo Tu-Tone, Ms. Demeanor, or Buttons McBoomBoom (A prohibition style gangster with a motherfucking MACHINE GUN in his *CHEST*)? Hell, cast Samuel L. Jackson in the lead role of C.O.P.S. leader B. P. "Bulletproof" Vest (HURHUR I SEE WHUT U DID THERE), and the awesomeness practically writes itself.
2: Spiral Zone
Seriously Hollywood, what the hell is wrong with you people? You can make a fourth Shrek movie, and yet you can't give us a Spiral Zone remake? Hell, this one was already dark and gritty, thanks to it's plot of a crazy scientist who creates devices causing humanity to become mindless zombies. I mean, hell... look at this intro and tell me this wouldn't be completly badass as a live action R rated movie. Hell, cast Samuel L. Jackson as Commander Dirk Courage (Come on, tell me thats not a badass name right there) and let Michael Bay direct it (While firmly reminding him that it's not an Adam Sandler movie), and your practically producing a license to print money.
3: Rocket Robin Hood
Okay, in retrospect, maybe I should have titled this post "The 8 properties that have been criminally ignored by Hollywood", but fuck that. I'm too lazy to go change it now. Anyways, Rocket Robin Hood was Robin Hood, but in space. Now, stop and think about this for a moment. As we all know, Robin Hood was essentially a thief who stole from the rich, and made out with a hot midieval version of Kate Moss who liked to cosplay in furry outfits. Now, imagine this in space. Now that your mind has been sufficiently blown, imagine it directed by Joss Wheedon with Samuel L. Jackson as Little John. Now pardon me while I go get you some tissues to clean up the mess you just made.
4: The Pirates of Dark Water
...Okay, do I really need to explain this one? Seriously, if your not already familiar with the Pirates of Dark Water, then turn in your nerd card and get the fuck off my Blog, because there is simply something wrong with you. The only change I would make: Replace Niddler with Samuel L. Jackson. WIN.
5: Martha Washington Saves the Earth
This is in no way influenced by the fact that I actually knew a black woman named Martha Washington. But yeah, Frank Millers Martha Washington needs the Sin City movie treatment. I mean, the woman fought Crazed Cattle Ranchers, and stoped an alien invasion. Cast Samuel L. Jackson in the pivotal role of Martha Washington, and watch the awesome happen.
6: Freddy vs Jason
Okay, I know what your thinking. "But X, you studly man muffin of perfection, how can a movie about two nightmarish killers of slutty teenagers be any grittier?". Quite simple: Make it "Freddy and Jason vs Chuck Norris". Watch as Freddy and Jason run like horny co-eds from... well, THEM, as they face off against the unstoppable round house kicks of Chuck Norris! Also, the role of Chuck Norris would be played by Samuel L. Jackson. I mean, hell... it's not like it could be any worse then "Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan".
7: The Smurfs
HAH! Nah, I'm just shitting with you guys.
...Although, maybe if you made it CGI and cast Samuel L. Jackson as Papa Smurf...
8: The Adventures of the American Rabbit
Two words: DEATH RABBITS.
Also, we could probably fit Samuel L. Jackson in there somewhere.
And while it's understandable, I came to a realization... it's not that theres a problem with Hollywood wanting to grittify your beloved childhood series, it's that they are doing the *WRONG* properties. To this end, I present this list of properties that actually deserve a gritty reboot:
1: C.O.P.S.
No, I'm not talking the reality show where white trash race to see how fast they can get an ass beating from the Police and tossed into the slammer. I'm talking about the Central Orginization of Police Specialists. Now, why Hollywood is doing a sequel of Alvin and the Chipmunks, but has yet to pick up the license for C.O.P.S. is beyond me. I mean, how can you *NOT* love a show with bad guys with names such as Turbo Tu-Tone, Ms. Demeanor, or Buttons McBoomBoom (A prohibition style gangster with a motherfucking MACHINE GUN in his *CHEST*)? Hell, cast Samuel L. Jackson in the lead role of C.O.P.S. leader B. P. "Bulletproof" Vest (HURHUR I SEE WHUT U DID THERE), and the awesomeness practically writes itself.
2: Spiral Zone
Seriously Hollywood, what the hell is wrong with you people? You can make a fourth Shrek movie, and yet you can't give us a Spiral Zone remake? Hell, this one was already dark and gritty, thanks to it's plot of a crazy scientist who creates devices causing humanity to become mindless zombies. I mean, hell... look at this intro and tell me this wouldn't be completly badass as a live action R rated movie. Hell, cast Samuel L. Jackson as Commander Dirk Courage (Come on, tell me thats not a badass name right there) and let Michael Bay direct it (While firmly reminding him that it's not an Adam Sandler movie), and your practically producing a license to print money.
3: Rocket Robin Hood
Okay, in retrospect, maybe I should have titled this post "The 8 properties that have been criminally ignored by Hollywood", but fuck that. I'm too lazy to go change it now. Anyways, Rocket Robin Hood was Robin Hood, but in space. Now, stop and think about this for a moment. As we all know, Robin Hood was essentially a thief who stole from the rich, and made out with a hot midieval version of Kate Moss who liked to cosplay in furry outfits. Now, imagine this in space. Now that your mind has been sufficiently blown, imagine it directed by Joss Wheedon with Samuel L. Jackson as Little John. Now pardon me while I go get you some tissues to clean up the mess you just made.
4: The Pirates of Dark Water
...Okay, do I really need to explain this one? Seriously, if your not already familiar with the Pirates of Dark Water, then turn in your nerd card and get the fuck off my Blog, because there is simply something wrong with you. The only change I would make: Replace Niddler with Samuel L. Jackson. WIN.
5: Martha Washington Saves the Earth
This is in no way influenced by the fact that I actually knew a black woman named Martha Washington. But yeah, Frank Millers Martha Washington needs the Sin City movie treatment. I mean, the woman fought Crazed Cattle Ranchers, and stoped an alien invasion. Cast Samuel L. Jackson in the pivotal role of Martha Washington, and watch the awesome happen.
6: Freddy vs Jason
Okay, I know what your thinking. "But X, you studly man muffin of perfection, how can a movie about two nightmarish killers of slutty teenagers be any grittier?". Quite simple: Make it "Freddy and Jason vs Chuck Norris". Watch as Freddy and Jason run like horny co-eds from... well, THEM, as they face off against the unstoppable round house kicks of Chuck Norris! Also, the role of Chuck Norris would be played by Samuel L. Jackson. I mean, hell... it's not like it could be any worse then "Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan".
7: The Smurfs
HAH! Nah, I'm just shitting with you guys.
...Although, maybe if you made it CGI and cast Samuel L. Jackson as Papa Smurf...
8: The Adventures of the American Rabbit
Two words: DEATH RABBITS.
Also, we could probably fit Samuel L. Jackson in there somewhere.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
An open letter to Sega
Dear Sega Executives,
As a fan of your older properties, such as Shining Force, the original Sonic games (Before Sonic Team drank the special Kool-Aid to travel into space with the grand Poobah, and you quickly replaced them with brain damaged monkeys), Golden Axe, and did I mention Shining Force? Because thats kind of important there. Anyways, I have been awaiting Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing with interest, because it promised to bring in classic Sega characters like Alex Kidd, Opa-Opa from Fantasy Zone, and Ryo from Shenmue. Today, while reading up on the game, I learned that at some point you planned on adding Segata Sanshiro riding a Sega Saturn, but decided not to put him in.
What the holy fuck is wrong with you people? Why in the nine hells would you guys choose Billy fucking Hatcher, or Shadow the racist gun toting black Hedgehog, over Segata Sanshiro? Do you people hate money or something? Apparently you must, because on top of this you keep pulling retarded moves like turning Shining Force into a lame ass action game, or thinking that turning Sonic the Hedgehog into a fucking werebeast was somehow a good idea. Are you guys secretly working for the two headed clone of Hitler and Walt Disney? Is that what it is? IT'S SEGATA SANSHIRO, PEOPLE. The most badass mascot this side of Pepsiman! I mean, the dude takes a goddamn missile for you people, and you repay him by passing him over for the fucking monkey from Monkey Ball? In conclusion, Sega:
FUCK YOU.
Sincerely,
Liquid Horatio X
As a fan of your older properties, such as Shining Force, the original Sonic games (Before Sonic Team drank the special Kool-Aid to travel into space with the grand Poobah, and you quickly replaced them with brain damaged monkeys), Golden Axe, and did I mention Shining Force? Because thats kind of important there. Anyways, I have been awaiting Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing with interest, because it promised to bring in classic Sega characters like Alex Kidd, Opa-Opa from Fantasy Zone, and Ryo from Shenmue. Today, while reading up on the game, I learned that at some point you planned on adding Segata Sanshiro riding a Sega Saturn, but decided not to put him in.
What the holy fuck is wrong with you people? Why in the nine hells would you guys choose Billy fucking Hatcher, or Shadow the racist gun toting black Hedgehog, over Segata Sanshiro? Do you people hate money or something? Apparently you must, because on top of this you keep pulling retarded moves like turning Shining Force into a lame ass action game, or thinking that turning Sonic the Hedgehog into a fucking werebeast was somehow a good idea. Are you guys secretly working for the two headed clone of Hitler and Walt Disney? Is that what it is? IT'S SEGATA SANSHIRO, PEOPLE. The most badass mascot this side of Pepsiman! I mean, the dude takes a goddamn missile for you people, and you repay him by passing him over for the fucking monkey from Monkey Ball? In conclusion, Sega:
FUCK YOU.
Sincerely,
Liquid Horatio X
"Dude, what would happen"
...if the Dudes shut the fuck up? Quite frankly, I would think we would all be better off.
Now, some of you may be scratching your heads at this. You may be thinking "But Liquid-X, the Big Labowski was awesome! How could anything The Dude have to say be bad? Also, can I give you some super hot sex?". And I could forgive you for thinking this, because the Dude was in fact awesome. But I'm not talking about "The Dude", I'm talking about the "Dudes" (Notice the s at the end. This makes it plural, and thus much more X-TREME!), the hosts of Cartoon Networks new live action X-TREME! show "Dude, what would happen?".
Now, some of you are already about to take a gun to your head, because you've been forced to watch this shitpile of a show. Others are scratching your head, wondering what this new and exciting program is being shown on Cartoon Network. Now, for those of you who DON'T know what this show is, pat yourself on the back, and continue living a normal, happy life full of puppies, kittens, sunshine, and giant robots and stop reading now. For those of you that *do* know, or are quite frankly masochists who ignored my previous warning, keep reading.
Now, for the masochistic sort remaining: "Dude, what would happen?" involves three stoner hippie teenagers (Who are trying to be all "Hip", and "X-TREME!", and "Super Poppin Fresh". Y'know, the kind that makes TV Executives panties get all wet because this is how they think all of todays children are, when instead they are painfully outdated) who try to pull off Mythbusters Jr, only in an idiotic X-TREME! way, and with far more boring explosions. The exact formula of the show works like this:
1: "Dudes" come up with stupid idea, such as pitting Lumberjacks versus Karate Experts to see who can cut shit up faster.
2: "Dudes" throw out any attempts at credible results by pretending to be Karate Experts, while going up against one guy who may be lumberjack, or may be a mass serial killer wielding an axe that they found at the local 7-11.
3: ???
4: PROFIT! "Dudes" fistbump to show how X-TREME! they are while going on about how Karate Experts would TOTALLY beat out a lumberjack (Despite the fact that it was *THREE AGAINST ONE*), while TV executives feel all warm and fuzzy about how they are all jiggy with the kids.
Suffice to say, the whole thing is a pathetic joke. You know why we love Mythbusters? Because when it comes right down to it, theres some actual scientific method involved here (Granted, the tendancy to blow shit the fuck up like Michael Bay in a fireworks, TNT, and Nitro factory doesen't hurt). You don't get that with the "Dudes". And sadly, we're getting a second season, because someone is apparently watching it enough to make it profitable. (This is called the "Barbies making money while insulting preteen girls intelligence adventure (Now with more ponies!)" effect.)
So, in essence, TV execs make money, and we continue our slow slide into a cultural pit of crap. And the Dudes still need to shut the fuck up. To the X-TREME!
Now, some of you may be scratching your heads at this. You may be thinking "But Liquid-X, the Big Labowski was awesome! How could anything The Dude have to say be bad? Also, can I give you some super hot sex?". And I could forgive you for thinking this, because the Dude was in fact awesome. But I'm not talking about "The Dude", I'm talking about the "Dudes" (Notice the s at the end. This makes it plural, and thus much more X-TREME!), the hosts of Cartoon Networks new live action X-TREME! show "Dude, what would happen?".
Now, some of you are already about to take a gun to your head, because you've been forced to watch this shitpile of a show. Others are scratching your head, wondering what this new and exciting program is being shown on Cartoon Network. Now, for those of you who DON'T know what this show is, pat yourself on the back, and continue living a normal, happy life full of puppies, kittens, sunshine, and giant robots and stop reading now. For those of you that *do* know, or are quite frankly masochists who ignored my previous warning, keep reading.
Now, for the masochistic sort remaining: "Dude, what would happen?" involves three stoner hippie teenagers (Who are trying to be all "Hip", and "X-TREME!", and "Super Poppin Fresh". Y'know, the kind that makes TV Executives panties get all wet because this is how they think all of todays children are, when instead they are painfully outdated) who try to pull off Mythbusters Jr, only in an idiotic X-TREME! way, and with far more boring explosions. The exact formula of the show works like this:
1: "Dudes" come up with stupid idea, such as pitting Lumberjacks versus Karate Experts to see who can cut shit up faster.
2: "Dudes" throw out any attempts at credible results by pretending to be Karate Experts, while going up against one guy who may be lumberjack, or may be a mass serial killer wielding an axe that they found at the local 7-11.
3: ???
4: PROFIT! "Dudes" fistbump to show how X-TREME! they are while going on about how Karate Experts would TOTALLY beat out a lumberjack (Despite the fact that it was *THREE AGAINST ONE*), while TV executives feel all warm and fuzzy about how they are all jiggy with the kids.
Suffice to say, the whole thing is a pathetic joke. You know why we love Mythbusters? Because when it comes right down to it, theres some actual scientific method involved here (Granted, the tendancy to blow shit the fuck up like Michael Bay in a fireworks, TNT, and Nitro factory doesen't hurt). You don't get that with the "Dudes". And sadly, we're getting a second season, because someone is apparently watching it enough to make it profitable. (This is called the "Barbies making money while insulting preteen girls intelligence adventure (Now with more ponies!)" effect.)
So, in essence, TV execs make money, and we continue our slow slide into a cultural pit of crap. And the Dudes still need to shut the fuck up. To the X-TREME!
Why the green movement sucks. Or: Fuck you, Hippies!
So, as a civic minded individual, I feel that it is my duty to bring to light all the social ill's of todays society. Today, I shall tackle one of the worst: Hippies, and their so called "green movements". Now, I know what your thinking. "But X, we have to protect our enviroment! What would all our baby lemurs do without pristine forests, cool clean rivers, and the occasional starbucks staffed with hot lemur bitches?"
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not one to advocate going out into the forests, flipping Smokey the finger, then setting forest fires while drinking a six pack and listening to the musical stylings of ICP. I mean, some of my best friends are Lemurs, and they have to be able to get some lemur booty now and then. But there comes a point when enviromentalism gets complety out of hand. To this effect, I give you exhibit "A".
Now, go ahead and watch that clip. Don't worry, it's okay, I can wait. No, no, it's allright, I wont be mad. Just make sure you watch it, rather then going off and reading Cracked.com. Go on, watch!
Okay, now that you've watched that highly informative video, I'm sure you can see my point. That's right, folks. The Megazord, the most dangerous and ass kicking giant robot of it's time, was defeated... BECAUSE IT RAN OUT OF SOLAR POWER. Now, I don't know about you folks, but at what point would any sane person put Solar Cells on a giant, alien ass beating robot of humanity saving goodness? But noooooo, rather then hooking that bad boy up with some Plutonium, Chemical X, Energon, or some other futuristic energy shit, Zordon lets some damn enviromentalists bully him into putting some Solar Cells on the Megazord, and the first time there is a Solar Eclipse, it gets beat down like a red headed stepchild meeting Bing Crosby.
So fuck you, hippies. It's reasons like this which is why we are going to get our asses kicked by the Decepticons in World War III.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not one to advocate going out into the forests, flipping Smokey the finger, then setting forest fires while drinking a six pack and listening to the musical stylings of ICP. I mean, some of my best friends are Lemurs, and they have to be able to get some lemur booty now and then. But there comes a point when enviromentalism gets complety out of hand. To this effect, I give you exhibit "A".
Now, go ahead and watch that clip. Don't worry, it's okay, I can wait. No, no, it's allright, I wont be mad. Just make sure you watch it, rather then going off and reading Cracked.com. Go on, watch!
Okay, now that you've watched that highly informative video, I'm sure you can see my point. That's right, folks. The Megazord, the most dangerous and ass kicking giant robot of it's time, was defeated... BECAUSE IT RAN OUT OF SOLAR POWER. Now, I don't know about you folks, but at what point would any sane person put Solar Cells on a giant, alien ass beating robot of humanity saving goodness? But noooooo, rather then hooking that bad boy up with some Plutonium, Chemical X, Energon, or some other futuristic energy shit, Zordon lets some damn enviromentalists bully him into putting some Solar Cells on the Megazord, and the first time there is a Solar Eclipse, it gets beat down like a red headed stepchild meeting Bing Crosby.
So fuck you, hippies. It's reasons like this which is why we are going to get our asses kicked by the Decepticons in World War III.
Monday, February 22, 2010
The beginning of the end
So, in my increasing battles with insanity, I have decided to create a Blog. Now, you may be asking yourself "Liquid-X, in your infinite and completly sexy wisdom, why have you decided to create a blog? Also, can I have your babies?". Well, the answer to this is quite simple:
I have decided that I have important things to say, and that you should listen to it (Whether you like it or not). To this end, I have created this blog of awesome and sexiness, that shall report all the awesome, awesome news staight from the X. Now, I should warn the faint of heart that this blog will contain all the sexiness, random expletives, explosions, and partial nudity that one should expect from one so awesome as myself. So, with that said, on with the show bitches!
I have decided that I have important things to say, and that you should listen to it (Whether you like it or not). To this end, I have created this blog of awesome and sexiness, that shall report all the awesome, awesome news staight from the X. Now, I should warn the faint of heart that this blog will contain all the sexiness, random expletives, explosions, and partial nudity that one should expect from one so awesome as myself. So, with that said, on with the show bitches!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
